Michael Jackson Lives

--- Fresh intelligence from unnamed sources ---

It was a ruse. Michael lives. He and the King are both alive and well. Just like Elvis, Michael became tired of his fame and notoriety and faked his own death. The so-called “Michael,” was, in fact, an unnamed middle-aged, middle class, man of indeterminate race who succumbed to a Propofol allergy while undergoing routine vasectomy surgery. The corpse was smuggled to the Jackson residence by a covert team of underpaid Hollywood physicians. The real Jackson is purported to be vacationing on the planet, Tralfamadore. As they say on Tralfamadore, “So it goes.”

P. G. invents the Sit Com

Most television situation comedies are essentially P. G. Wodehouse in diluted and diminished form.

Uh Oh, Snow.

Thanks to a major spring snowstorm, Colorado made the national news. Schools, businesses and highways closed. Planes stayed on the ground. Emergency workers worked. Cars skidded into other cars.

Whenever this happens, the media makes a lot of noise about it. But, the fact is, heavy snow is a normal part of springtime in the Rockies.

What the media won’t tell you is what happens after the snow stops. This morning’s rush hour saw its share of car accidents. But, here in Lakewood, a suburb of Denver, the sun was out by the time rush hour ended. They don’t call Denver the mile high city for nothing. At our altitude, the air is thin and visiting greenhorns often get headaches and require naps.

Because the air is thinner, sunlight is stronger. Greenhorns are advised to wear sunscreen while skiing. Strong sunlight on blacktop turns snow into water and steam.

The picture was taken mid-afternoon. Do you still feel sorry for us now?

Journalist wanted: Must have eggs.

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Who would have thought that a humanities major would be so useful?

Denver, Elsewhere, Cheese Balls, Manliness

If you’re looking to hang with macho men, Denver may be just the place for you. It places fifth on the list of 50 manliest American cities commissioned by Mars Snackfood US, makers of “Man's Favorite Cheese-Filled Snack.”

Nashville comes in at number one, due in part to its many NASCAR fans and BBQ restaurants. New York comes in last, possibly because the men there have tiny, desiccated balls (sans cheese).

The list was created using advanced statistical methods and questionable manliness criteria. In a nation deficient in critical thinking, that's enough to make the news. The list supports the theory that men are from Mars, but fails to address whether women are from Venus.